I was a Mormon for the first 20 years of my life. What that means is my parents were Mormons and so, de facto, were their kids. I did all the things Mormons do, including serving a two-year Mormon mission. I spent much of that time – up to 25 hours a week – knocking on doors, attempting to smooth-talk my way into someone’s living room for a chat about ‘the only true church on Earth’.
Things have changed since then – this was the mid-90s – and today so much Mormon missionary work is done online. They still knock on doors, and hang around shopping malls with sunny smiles and pamphlets, but the focus now is the socials.
The church has about 70,000 of these young, unpaid, fulltime workers. And the number keeps rising. Should you respond to one of their many Facebook posts, this army of digitally savvy proselytisers will provide an almost immediate one-to-one response.
Much like those office blocks full of Russian-backed media manipulators – but with less smoking and drinking, and more hymn singing and tension-busting spurts of parking lot basketball – the Mormons are happy to sit in the shadows and work the odds. If you make any sort of contact, they’ll ask very sweetly to come over for a chat.
God is in the stats
What has not changed in the last 50 years is the basic method. Their blunt, brute-force approach remains as effective (in truth, ineffective) as ever. But they work their youthful, unpaid workforce hard. There are targets to be met.
Back in the day, Missionaries would knock on around 100 doors, knowing that statistically one of those knocks will result in an invitation to come in, sit down, and refuse a cup of tea. However, that figure needs a bit of clarification: missionaries need to knock on 500 to 1000 doors to reach that magic number of 100 face-to-face encounters, because finding people at home and willing to answer the door is the problem. For the best hit-rate, Missionaries know it’s more effective to work poorer, more densely housed areas in the daytime, visiting middle class areas in the evening.
Around 20 of these sit-down meets – statistically – would equal one person being taught, converted and baptised into the church. All involved would see this as God’s divine intervention. Statistical probability would never be mentioned.
That 25 hours per week is the number of hours those pre-digital Mormon missionaries needed to put in – statistically – to convert one person a month.
Total immersion
Interestingly, Mormon missionaries spend zero hours a week working with the recently baptised. Commonly, these still-damp newbies hit the wall of the church’s more out-there beliefs, and feel some buyers regret.
The recently ‘dunked’ are not a problem these Missionaries are (not) paid to deal with. 70% of new converts leave the church within their first three months. This makes sense when you consider Missionaries are your best friends in the world – for a couple of months. They’re so endlessly happy and full of joy. Being around them can feel wonderful. With that warm blanket gone, most would start to wonder what just happened.
And you’re still statistically a member of the church, even if you never turn up again.
Warm fuzzy feelings
Which brings us to the other part of this work: the basic training. Whether they find you at the door or online, the next steps are still pretty standard. You are considered an ‘Investigator’, and Mormon conversion works by helping you interpret your feelings. Feelings, especially warm and fuzzy feelings, are little messages from God.
A Missionary might say, “Read a little of the Book of Mormon, pray about it, then pay close attention to your feelings. A ‘still, small voice’ will whisper to you that it’s true.”
Later, the Investigator might say, “Well I did that, not sure I had any feelings. I got all emotional listening to a Whitney Houston song. And one morning the sun was out, and I felt a sense of peace for a while. I think it was the smell of bacon. Also, I feel nice when you guys turn up because you’re so sweet and kind and cheerful”, to which the Missionary can reply: “Hey, those are all messages! God has given you some little winks! And now you’ve had them, it would be a sin against God to ignore them.”
“But isn’t what you just said a form of mild entrapment?”, says no Investigator, ever. “Yes. And the pervading sense of sin-related guilt you’ll feel if you join us is the glue that binds our church together!”, thinks the imaginary Missionary.
Drop the media bombs
If none of that works, there are various other things to try. During my time doing this work, I found nothing delivered the ‘feelings’ like a short Mormon movie. These flicks – some might call them god awful movies! – invariably feature a happy, stable family. By the end of the first act, someone is dead. Let’s say it’s Mom. She’s been run over by a freight train, or something similar. The kids cry. Dad spends some time talking with a Mormon friend, possibly his Dad.
Dad returns home and cries with happiness in front of the traumatised kids because – being Mormons – they can all be sure of being together with Mom one day, in heaven. The movie usually ends with a heart-wrenching song, perhaps called, ‘I’ll Build You a Rainbow’.
This stuff is potent and rarely fails. But if that doesn’t generate enough ‘feels’, there’s probably little hope of a conversion. These Investigators have hearts of stone and it’s time to start knocking on doors again, or checking the socials, and working the odds.
God works in un-mysterious ways
In Mormonism, normal human physiological and emotional responses – feelings – are interpreted for you as divine. For the rest of us, it’s our evolutionary journey that gifted us these qualities. Not the strongest or fiercest of mammals, we humans adapted by using our big brains. 100,000 years ago, language and the ability to cooperate helped us remain uneaten.
Oxytocin, a hormone humans produce is sometimes called the ‘bonding hormone’. It is released during positive social interactions. It gives us that feeling of trust, well-being and love. It works no matter what your religious beliefs are. The Mormons’ trick is to call it God.
Scientology goes a step further and ‘measures’ electrical impulses associated with emotions. You hold a pair of cans wired up to a basic voltage meter and watch the needle bounce about while recalling some childhood trauma. It’s the 20th Century version of the Mormon’s 19th Century gimmick, using the same fake and easy to summon ‘proof’ to bolster a system of belief.
Those poor Mormons
Unlike Scientology, it is relatively easy to leave the Mormon Church. And it might seem a bit mean to dissect this group’s practices. Broadly, Mormons are pleasant, peaceful, family-oriented people. And even though there are so many aspects to their beliefs that can seem ridiculous, and comically easy to take apart, you might conclude there are bigger problems to fret about.
But there is something universal about that ‘love-bomb’ approach to conversion. It can reach people and be hard to resist. Knowing when that technique is being employed arms us against some potential foolish life choices.
Also, Mormons provide a solid block of support for Donald Trump. So, for that reason alone, I feel justified in gently putting the boot in.
Amen.
