When I wrote the first version of this piece, yet another “gender reveal party” explosion had caused massive damage to the surrounding area. While none had died in that fire, others have in similar incidents.
At the time, I was living in California. I was livid. Having been sheltering in place for months due to SARS-CoV-2 and then not even being able to go hiking (a key outdoor and exercise activity when doing things was… somewhat restricted) because of wildfires and terrible air quality, people setting fires for this nonsense made me absolutely incensed. Pun partly intended.
Swathes of the state were already on fire and someone really decided that what’s between their baby’s legs was so important they had to tell all their friends through a staged-for-instagram display.
As I come back these thoughts some years later, it’s not long after Israeli soldiers apparently blew up a building, then jokingly shouted, “it’s a boy!” because the resulting smoke was partly blue. It’s unclear if they intentionally set it up or it was ‘just’ an utterly tasteless shared moment of humour in destruction. I don’t have the words to comment further on it.
I think the whole concept of the ‘gender reveal’ is very wrong, on several levels, so let’s explore that.
Is it really a ‘gender’ reveal?
Why are you so focused on ‘gender’? With a baby, you’re not actually talking about gender. Children don’t have (or, specifically, express) gender. At least not until they’re about 4-5 years old – it’s largely projection from adults before that. Research shows our stereotyping of children by gender begins early. A messy sense of boxed-in identity that is forced on them because of cultural ideas about genitals and, of course, sexism. And, often, it’s about what parents want for the person they made, and for themselves as they watch them grow.
The word ‘gender’ is often misunderstood – it is not a synonym for sex. “What is gender?” is a complicated, messy question that philosophers and sociologists have grappled with for a long time. Europe and the US are, for the most part, binary-gendered societies; we grow up with the expectation that everyone falls into one of two boxes (boy/girl, man/woman) and that generally we can tell who is in which box just by looking, and maybe briefly talking. In this way, gender approximately indicates sex – what it’s really answering is:
“What’s in their pants?“
Sometimes, people use sex to indicate gender instead; emphasising features like breasts, hair, muscles or other secondary characteristics. For some, perhaps if we don’t generally otherwise conform to others’ ideas of what’s “masculine” or “feminine”, this can be a measure taken more for our personal safety than pride in our image.
Sometimes we tell other people what our gender is, sometimes others decide it for us. Sometimes we will correct them if they’re wrong.
These facts are part of how we can reasonably say that gender is a performance – a dance of behaviours, attitudes, signals and more, given off by people to tell others around them something about who they are. Cultural ideas about what masculinity and femininity look like vary significantly, and not all cultures even have a binary gender system. This is a huge topic that would take many articles to cover, so let’s return to gender assignment at birth. From Rae Gray at Bitch Media:
Cis parents, in general, are very uncomfortable acknowledging that there could be anything non-cis about their children at all—that pink or blue isn’t the be-all and end-all of gendered human experience and the very real harms that can come from pretending that this is the case.
Gender is an indicator of sex. It’s not the same thing. Equally, sex is also more complicated than genitals alone – we’ve got chromosomes, the genetic instructions within them, modifications to and activity of those genes, hormone actions and levels, and other physical characteristics.
So it wouldn’t even be accurate to call them “sex reveal parties” – “genital reveal parties” seems most accurate. Is that not… very strange indeed?
What’s the harm?
Gender reveal parties aren’t harmless – even if you do something non-explodey, like a cake.
It is harmful to intersex people, who are often operated on without their consent to make them fit into one of two boxes, because of society’s obsessions with strict binaries and ensuring people (especially their children) don’t deviate. Surgery they did not need that can harm them for life. Even without that, enduring years of stigmatisation of their perfectly normal body is commonplace.
Trans kids (and adults) are also impacted. Parents deciding that the child’s observed sex – usually based on genitals alone – must mean that a host of personality traits will be forthcoming and/or avoided, creates a foundation for failing to accept, love, comfort, support and encourage any child. Especially those who feel that the gender others observe or expect is wrong for them.
Putting less emphasis on it helps free all of us – cis, trans and nonbinary alike – to perform the gender, or lack thereof, that makes us comfortable. Cis girls (like young me!) don’t need to be told they’re too “boyish” for liking shorts, getting muddy or playing with dinosaurs and cars instead of/as well as pink things with sparkles or princesses. Cis boys shouldn’t be told the pink sparkly things, dolls and baking sets aren’t for them.
Trans kids don’t need the weight of assumption about their gender and life choices hanging on the thread of imagination tied to their genitals either. I’d argue none of us do. It harms all of us.
If we’re clear and honest, all of this seems to boil down to ‘penis or vagina?‘ (or, more accurately, vulva) and, really, who cares? The only people this should matter to are the child themselves, parents/guardians who have to take care of them while they’re young, future sexual partners, and healthcare providers. Nobody else needs to know.
Focusing on genitals as if they’re a major determinant of personality is unscientific, reductive and, frankly, sad.
From Jessica Winter at Slate:
A boy has a something, and a girl has a nothing. A boy has a gun, and a girl has a hole. A boy does, and a girl is done to. A boy is an active actor with useful equipment, and a girl is a void with embellishments. It would sound so tiresomely gender studies 101 if these weren’t actual people having actual children
Have we not reached a point where we realise that gender/genitals/sex really doesn’t do much to determine what we can or should do in life? Are we really still fighting for acceptance of women being world-class athletes, leading physicians, soldiers, engineers… or for men to be nurses and carers, teachers, home-makers – for anyone to be free to be whatever they want to be? Or are we clinging tightly to pre-destined paths based on a handful of random physical omens despite the progress (I thought) we’d made?
Some wonder if the reason gender reveal events have become so popular is to use big bangs to extend the appeal of the US-centric and ‘female-only’ tradition of baby showers to men – men with some serious issues around gender roles and toxic masculinity (why could they possibly have those?!). From the New York Post:
“Toxic masculinity is men thinking they need to explode something because simply enjoying a baby party is for sissies,” said Karvunidis, whose original gender bash in 2008 involved cake
So can we just stop it, now? You had your weird fun. People got hurt; see the long list of news items below, including some that resulted in deaths. Even the person who may have started the trend wants nothing more to do with it.
I’ve only touched the surface of this conversation and there’s so much more to explore; why do parents do this? Why is binary gender so important to them? What happens when children – or any people – fail to conform to or blur those boundaries?
For now, I’ll conclude with: children can enjoy and do anything, regardless of whatever is in their pants. That’s surely how it should be, anyway.
References
- The Myth of Biological Sex – Forbes (Kim Elsesser)
- Gender is Dead, Long Live Gender: Just what is ‘performativity’? – Aeon (Will Fraker)
- Gender stereotyping may start as young as three months, study of babies’ cries shows – ScienceDaily, re: Sex stereotypes influence adults’ perception of babies’ cries. BMC Psychology, 2016; 4 (1) DOI: 10.1186/s40359-016-0123-6
- I started the Gender Reveal Party trend and I regret it – Guardian (Jenna Karvunidis, as told to Molly Langmuir)
- Gender Reveal Celebrations for Babies Help Explain Transphobia – Slate (Jessica Winter)
- Gender reveals are awful. (Trans)gender reveals are a different story. – Mashable (Heather Dockray)
- What’s Next? Gendered Science Toys – Noodlemaz
Gender reveals in the news
- May 2025: Watch: Israeli soldier’s viral gender reveal video; shouts ‘it’s a boy’ as blue smoke erupts
- September 2024: Gender reveal party slammed for trashing park: ‘I can’t believe the lengths people will go to’; Is this a ‘gender reveal pigeon’? Mystery blue bird baffles local residents
- June 2024: Stop dyeing birds for gender reveals, charity says
- February 2024: Couple pleads guilty over gender reveal party that sparked California wildfire
- September 2023: Pilot dies after plane crashes during gender reveal party in Mexico
- August 2023: Gender reveal goes VERY wrong as horses are spooked by fire and explosives – law enforcement is investigating
- February 2023: Pink pigeon allegedly dyed for gender reveal party has died, US officials say
- July 2021: Couple Charged Over Gender Reveal Party that Allegedly Started California Wildfire
- May 2021: Truck driver’s bizarre gender reveal party leaves us once again asking ‘if the straights are OK’
- April 2021: ‘God-Awful Blast’ That Rocked NH Towns Was Gender Reveal Explosion, Police Say
- March 2021: Two Killed After Plane Crashes During Gender Reveal
- February 2021: 28-Year-Old Dad-to-Be Dies in Explosion While Building ‘Gender-Reveal’ Device; Guest killed when cannon explodes at baby shower announcement party in Michigan
