Let’s get this out of the way straight out of the gate: I’m annoyingly healthy. I’ve blissfully plain-sailed my way through five decades of life with minimal medical maladies; only the usual plethora of viral and bacterial infections, a classic middle-aged man hernia operation, and a fair amount of unpleasant sporting injuries. With no lasting effect from any of these (so far), I wouldn’t quite say I’ve won the genetic lottery yet, but my balls are looking favourable.
In terms of how I look after myself… well, that’s a mixed bag: a non-smoker, definitely not a non-drinker, a decent amount of exercise to compensate for a desk job, and a diet that’s a little better than in my youth, but certainly not wholesome enough to impress any food blogger.
Nevertheless, perhaps due to my advancing age or my previous skeptical investigations, the internet thinks I need medical assistance in various forms. To add to that I’m a sucker for a bargain, so when a heavily discounted offer for a food sensitivity test was presented to me, I just couldn’t resist. The generous company in question was “Test My Food Sensitivity” – run by current director Andrew West, and former director, his wife Carol, who appeared in the press a decade ago evangelising about the power of their strict vegan diets, and their now apparently defunct wellness centre in Spain. It appears they pivoted over to juicing for a while before settling for pseudo-healthcare. Other companies they’ve been, or still are involved with, include Lifelab Testing Ltd, Global Science Technology Ltd, Healthy Stuff Holdings Ltd, Healthy Stuff Online Ltd, Healthy Stuff Group Ltd, Healthy Stuff Co Retail Ltd, and Global Testing Labs Ltd. To further muddy the waters, some of these act as parent companies for even more ventures, including Lifelab Testing, Pet Health at Home, and Allergy Test Ireland.
Undaunted by the corporate labyrinth they’d created, I jumped straight in and placed my order, after which I thought it best to actually read their website. For the rare few inclined to check, the terms and conditions are pretty explicit:
Our test and this website does not make a medical diagnosis nor is it intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment.
The ‘About our laboratory’ section of their site starts again with a recommendation to see a doctor if you believe you have a medical condition or are seriously ill, but it’s followed immediately by what seems like an attempt to persuade you otherwise:
However, bioresonance hair testing is proving to be an alternative which is helping people to experience new health benefits.
It’s a perfect balance of keeping on the right side of the law while sweeping aside any doubts you may have about making a purchase. While the “How does it work though?” section of page fails to tell us anything about how it actually works, it does tell us that Bioresonance technology has improved significantly in the last few years, and that your hair strand will be tested and will tell you whether you have any reactions, and “therefore whether or not you need to avoid that item”.
The equipment they use for the testing is the MARS III Quantum Response System (Multiple Analytical Resonance Systems). If the use of the word Quantum is already worrying you, perhaps the reassurance that the device is “manufactured and listed as a medical scanning device class 11a” should help. Sadly, this is almost certainly wrong. Chances are they actually mean IIa as per the UK Government Classification of Medical Devices. This classification also doesn’t speak to whether the machine in question does what it claims, but more about the risk that it carries. The £25 I paid for my test may have sounded like a bargain initially, but it seems that I paid a quarter of the price of buying the machine itself as it can be found for less than £100 on Amazon – tempting!
The test itself is certainly harmless. All you need to do is snip a few hairs and send them off, so unless you suffer from aichmophobia then you should be just fine. When my kit arrived, I opted for chest hairs (the little remaining hair on my head is too precious to remove), which I sent off for analysis.
As already established, I’m generally about as healthy as you get, but specifically in terms of how I react to food, I’m gold-standard. As a proud Scotsman I regularly consume deep-fried everything, love a good curry, and in terms of liquid refreshment I regularly partake in all the bad stuff, from coffee and Irn-Bru on the softer side, to a glorious array of dizzying delights on the alcoholic end of the scale. Despite the national cliches, I’m no stranger to a salad, and have in my years consumed all manner of food and drink. With all that in mind, other than well-earned hangovers I’ve suffered no ill-effects whatsoever; I’ve never had acid reflux, heartburn, bloating, indigestion, stomach cramps, or any other common post-food-consumption ailment. Any diarrhoea has likely been attributable to questionable food hygiene rather than food intolerance (yes, I’m looking at you, proprietors of now closed ‘Taste of Punjab’ takeaway on Argyle Street), and certainly no food allergies (worth noting that allergies and intolerances are different things).
Considering the seemingly superhuman strength of my constitution, surely my food sensitivity test would come back clear? The results arrived within a few days, and were potentially devastating. Interestingly, after the pre-amble in my report, there’s a short paragraph about Bioresonance therapy and testing, with accompanying diagram. These are presumably required as part of legal disclaimers, but are missing from anything you may have read before making your purchase:
Bioresonance therapy and testing is categorised as a complementary and alternative medicine (CAM). This is a diverse group of therapies, practices and products, which fall outside of conventional medicine or healthcare. The findings in the report do not make a medical diagnosis.
The results come with a percentage value and a colour coding, which indicate the level of potential sensitivity. The FAQs recommend the following:
for best results, we do recommend removing all items from the diet reacting at over 85%.
In order to avoid further bloating my word count in this article I’m not going to list everything that showed up at 85% or above, and instead I’ll only list those that hit the red-zone of 95% or above. I’d encourage you to try to work your way through these these in the style of Daniel Radcliffe storming his way through Alphabet Aerobics:
Food items
Ale (off to the WORST possible start), Alfalfa, Almond, Barramundi, Basmati Rice, Bell Pepper – Red, Catfish, Chayote, Cherries, Chicken, Chicken Of The Woods Mushrooms (Laetiporus), Chickpea, Cornish Game Hen, E 104 Quinoline yellow, E 320 Butylated hydroxyanisole (BHA), E 327 Calcium lactate (salts from lactic acid), E 330 Citric acid, E 461 Methylcellulose, E 623 Calcium diglutamate, Calciumglutamate, Fuji apple, Grapefruit, Herring, Jackfruit, Jujube, King Oyster Mushrooms (Pleurotus eryngii), Lager, Moose, Oranges, Pomfret, Purslane, Rose Wine, Sage, Sea cucumber, Soursop, Starfruit, Viili, Wakame, Wheatgrass.
Non-food / environmental items
Other environmental factors which may cause sensitivity: Amongst the ‘big-hitters’ on this equally long list are cats (I’ve lived with cats almost my whole life – cute pictures available on-request), chlorine (the stuff they put in all the swimming pools I’ve ever been in), and polyester (you know, that stuff they use in clothing, which I regularly wear).
Nutritional imbalances
The only ‘red’ item is Zeaxanthin (found in leeks, okra, spinach and watercress), but some basics like carotenoids, fibre, and iron also make the list with lower percentages.
Metals
Apparently proximity to copper, gold, nickel, or palladium might cause me problems. That’s a shame as I’m a big metal fan (the music, not the air current-generating rotational device). Perhaps it’s referring to mosh pit trauma? I hereby promise to avoid Nickelback at all costs, just as a precaution.
Gut biome
This was the only part of the test to come back clear, but considering everything else I’m supposedly ‘sensitive’ to, that was little compensation.
So let’s be clear: This test isn’t really for me. It’s not meant for people like me. The real target here is vulnerable people with ongoing health problems, some of whom have probably tried and failed many times before to find the key to those problems. Potentially there could be a dietary issue, but in many cases, there may be something more complex and hard-to-identify going on. If those people, perhaps in desperation, take the plunge and spend their money on a food sensitivity test that has not been proven to work, then the likelihood is that they’ll embark on an extremely stressful and unnecessary set of restrictions. Such courses of action can cause nutritional deficiencies themselves, but aside from that, it may also prevent them from seeking genuine medical assistance and potentially missing a diagnosis of something more severe.
Food intolerance is of course a real thing, and there’s useful guidance from the NHS on how it might be diagnosed and treated. If you think you may have some form of this, or something else which is causing your symptoms, then please keep your hair intact, put down your wallet, pick up the phone, and call a real doctor.
